Title: Letter to Donghae
– Lee Hyukjae
– Lee Donghae
Main Pairing: HaeHyuk
Author: Nashelf Hafizhah Wanda
Warning: Bad English.
A/N: Random. Random. Random. Random is random-_-
How are you today? You’re fine, aren’t you? Don’t ask me why I know it, it’s quite oblivious. I’m just beside you a couple minutes ago before I write this disgusting letter lol. Okay, where should I start?
Do you know what day is today, Hae? If you forget what day is today, I’m gonna grill you for sure. How dare you forget our first meeting? What a bad boy you are! Okay back to the point, today is the day when we met for the first time. Do you remember what happen at that time?
We’re so damn awkward. Don’t know what to do and what we should talk. But I’m soooooo glad you made the first move^^ if you never greet me and introduce yourself to me, believe me, there’s no such thing as best-friend at us. I’m such a hella shy boy back then, so I’m sorry and thank you Donghae. Thank you for surrendering yourself to me wkwk. I won’t forget your kindness, Hae-ah!^^v
And I kinda sad, I’m not the one who make the first move. And as you know, you’re the one who always do the skinship-thingy, greet me, back-hugging me, hug me at my shoulder with your strong-muscular arms in possessive manners, holding my hands and more. I’m really sad I never have guts to do that. It seems so hard for me to do that at the first time. But Donghae, I really want to do that. You know I’m a possessive man who always possessive with what is mine. Eventhough I never said this loud, but Donghae, you are mine. No doubt about it. I want you to be mine, mine as my Donghae only.
I love you.
I love you a lot. Have you ever realized it? The way a blush appears at my cheeks everytime you hug me, or everytime we do a simple skinship-thing, I’m always and always be blushing. Don’t you realize it? Sometimes I wonder do you have a brain or not since you’re so stupid with a lot of things! But all I know my Donghae have a heart, doesn’t he? He won’t love all ELFs if he doesn’t have heart kkk.
Do you know how much I’m jealous with those bunches of ELFs who received your love everytime we talked about them? I’m such a jealous-bastard-human-being; yes I admit it, but only for you. I never felt this feeling when I’m around Siwonnie or Leeteukie-Hyung or Sungminnie and even Junsu! Only with you I have this possessive manner! Since I met you 12 years ago, I had this stupid-feeling. I tried to wash it or ignore it, but as time goes by, I can’t get rid of this feeling away from my heart.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I really love you.
I, Lee Hyukjae, do love you since a long time ago.
Your cute-slash-handsome-and-sexy face, your hot body, your muscular arms, your sweet-sexy voices, your cute-brownish-eyes, your adorable laugh, your goofy smile, your pink-thin-lips, your smooth-white skin, your adam-apple, your nice jawline, your soft-brunette hair, your sharp bangs which almost covering half of your face, your caring personality, your childish act, your maturity, your well-build chest, your sinful-wet tongue, your smooth thigh, your alluring collarbone, your toothy-smile, your cute pout, your awaiting slender neck, your sharp-pointed nose, your….everything.
I fall for it. I fall for everything in you. I’m glad I’m only the one who can survive from your childish-cute-act. Even the members can’t stand it, but I found it quite adorable. You act like a 5-years-old kids when the truth you are twenties. Lot of peoples mistaking you as teenager, but who can blame them? You’re just too cute for your own good. I just don’t know why our members can’t stand beside you, they said you’re talkative, but I think that was your charming. The way you talk it sounds like music on my ears. I love to hear your cutie voices I can’t get tired of it. But the members.. Why they praise me because I can stand beside you and longing for you even you just gone for a couple of minutes? Hihi, well let’s say that was our fate. We were meant to be! Wkwk.
Okay Hae, now you know my feeling for you. Do you annoyed by it? Do you disgusted by it? Do you mad at me because I had such a feeling for you? You must be. We both guys, we both…man. We can’t fall in love with each other yet I fall for you. Sorry Hae, don’t mad at me, please. Just re-think about it, who wouldn’t fall for your handsomeness? No one can do that! You were born to this path, for having a ton of fans whose fall for you, including me.
Hae, I love you.
I love you so much.
Those 3 and 5 words can’t describe how deep my love for you is. It’s too deep; I can’t find the way out from here. I fall for you too deep until it’s hurt to know you’ll marry someone who can give you child. And that’s, surely, not me. I’m a guy; I can’t give you a child, can I? I hope I born to be a woman, but if I a woman, I’m sure those Eunhae-thingy are just a bullshit. There’s no such thing between us if I was born as woman. Don’t you think so?
Am I too selfish for hoping we’ll be a couple soon? 6 years has passed, we have done a lot of fanservice since 6 years ago. Don’t you know I’m tortured by it? It’s hurt to know…it just for fans. No romantic-feeling behind those stares, those hug, those hold, those smile and those ‘I love you’ you put at my cyworld a long time ago. Am I being unreasonable to think that you have the same feeling as mine? I really hope so.
This feeling… is so suffocating. I hope I can get rid of this feeling and see you as my friend again. But I don’t know speaking is not as easy as doing. I’ve tried, tried and tried until I forget how many times I’ve tried. This feeling… is so strong. I never felt like this with my ex-girlfriends before. Everytime I see your smile, I feel like fall for you for the first time. My tummy would feel likes butterfly flying inside my stomach. It’s funny. I never felt like this with anyone else. You are the first person who makes me feel like this. So I assume, you are my first love. I admit I had girlfriend before, but… I can’t feel the feeling I felt beside you. I think it might be a simple-crush; that explains why I never get along with my past.
Can you consider being my boyfriend? Even just…try to be my boyfriend. I want to be, at least to feel, how the feeling of being Donghae’s boyfriend is. Would you let me, Hae? I won’t be a burden, I promise! I will be a good boyfriend you ever have! I will not jealous over a simple act anymore, I will not nagging when you are not replying my text, I will not mad when you go somewhere without telling me first, I will not sulk if you canceled our date because of unforgivable reasons, I promise! Well, I don’t know if I can keep my promises, but I will try, I will try my best so you can make me officially yours!^^
Maybe I talk too much, maybe I write too much. You might be stop reading after you know I fall in love with you. This disgusting feeling… I know; I’ve blamed myself for having such a feeling for you so you don’t have to shout at me like there’s no tomorrow.
Can you do a favor to me?
After you know that I have a feeling for you, please…don’t hate me. I don’t know what should I do if you leave me alone? Miserable, alone, rejected…I don’t think I can handle that. So please, have a mercy. I know it’s too much for asking you this. But please, please Donghae. I know you are kind; you won’t be pushes me just because of this right? I won’ ask you to return my feeling; I know my feeling won’t be mutual. It’s one-sided love. I know. So I don’t expect much for you. All I want you do is know about this than act like you don’t know a thing. I’ll try to move on after you know what I felt for you all of this time.
You’re the only one who knows about my feeling. Maybe the others know too, but I always in denial. So yes, no one knows it, even Junsu, even Sungmin, even Leeteuk-Hyung. They didn’t know it. And they don’t have the right to know it. I always told you, the first person who should know my feeling is the person itself. So here I am, telling you my feeling and no one knows it.
Thank you so much. Thank you for teaching me what a real life is. You make me realize what I aim on my life. You make me realize my goal. Thank you so much, Donghae. Thank you so much for giving me such a blessing life. Life with you is the happiest life I ever feel. I’ve never been this happy before I met you and then you came to my life, offering your happiness into my life. Donghae, thank you, thank you for teaching me that love is indeed blind. It’s very blind until genre doesn’t exist in the word of love. It doesn’t matter what your genre is if you feel happy just because the person you love is happy.
Once again, I love you Donghae.
I really do.
I know you wouldn’t return my feeling. There’s a lot of obstacle if you return my feeling. Members, company, fans, your family, my family, netiezens, world and religion will against us. The feeling I had inside my heart is a sin. A beautiful sin I’ll never regret. Like what I said before, I won’t expect much for you Donghae. I just want you to know. Why I never want being apart from you, why I always clingy on you, why I always see you, why I always want your attention, why I never want to see another girl, why I never allow you to have a friendship with a girl. That’s because I love you.
I love you and I really do.
I love you, Donghae. I really love you and I rather die if I see you in relationship with another girl.
So in our 13 years of being best-friend and as you know, there’s no secret between best-friend who had been a friend since a long time ago, I told you my wildest-impossible secret I hid inside my heart since 12 years ago. Since the first time my eyes landed on your brownish-innocent eyes. Since the first time my heart melted after seeing your breath-taking smile. Since the first time I hold your warm-big hand. Since the first time I met you.
I love you Lee Donghae.
I love you for eternity.
Your-not-secret-admirer-anymore, your bestiest, your partner.
I know I’m not good at angst; I’m just gloomy and a little lost. That’s it. I’m not expecting you for commenting or bashing my fucked English. I’m not expecting any from you. I’m just writes what I felt right now. Lost and don’t know what to do. I beg a mercy, do not bash or put any harm comments which can make me sadder than I am right now. Please be kind with a heart-broken people. They can do what you think they can’t do.
Good luck for your own path, do not miserable like me. God bless all of you who read this creepy letter. Have a beautiful life everyone.